Archives For Dr. Barbian

A Rough Time

June 11, 2013

We all go through difficult times. Going through them “well” is the challenge. Scripture has much to say about how we are to respond to the difficulties and trials of this life. Whether our difficulty is physical, spiritual, relational, occupational, or material/financial in nature, God wants us to turn to Him. But how exactly should we come to Him? The apostle Peter gives us a couple of guidelines for turning to God in the midst of life’s difficulties ().

The first thing that Peter tells us to do is to humble ourselves. The reason for humbling ourselves is found in the preceding verse where we are told that “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble”. To humble ourselves means to see ourselves correctly in comparison to God. We are the creature, and He is the creator. We have all the questions, and He has all of the answers. In order to receive the grace that God makes available to me in times of difficulty, I have to acknowledge my need for it and acknowledge that He is the ultimate source/solution of my help.

What I am humbling myself under is God’s kind and loving providence. tells us of our great value in God’s sight. Not one sparrow (of minimal worth) dies out of God’s will, and we are worth significantly more. In fact, we are worth so much to God that he has numbered the hairs on our heads (and I assume continues to keep an accurate count of them over our lifespan). The trial or difficulty you are experiencing comes from “God’s mighty hand” (v.6). He is in complete control of all that is happening to you.

You are also told in v.7 that you can “cast all your anxiety on Him because he cares for you.” God loves you deeply. He takes great delight in you (). If God loves and cares for me, and he has brought/allowed this trial in my life, then I can know for sure that He is working in me and through me to get through it. It is the truth of knowing that a God who loves me beyond what I can imagine, who is working all things for my good (), and who is in control of all my circumstances, that allows me to humble myself before him and to cast my anxieties onto him.

While these guidelines are crucial for going through difficult times, they tell only part of the story. We find in numerous other places in Scripture (; ; ) that God intends for us to go through difficult times in community. The stress and, at times, embarrassment of trials lead us to isolate. During such times we really need the support and encouragement of others. “Humbling ourselves” enough to allow others to care for us and to speak into our lives is part of God’s plan to sustain and comfort us.

As you struggle with difficulties in your relationships, your health, your job, or your material world, let the truth of these verses be an encouragement to you. I pray they will give you the strength to do what God calls you to do in these circumstances. And in due time, he will lift you up.

Dr. Barbian

Dr. Tom Barbian, LPC

Executive Director View More Posts »
More about Dr. Barbian »

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. (ESV)

28 And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell. 29 Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. 30 But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. 31 Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows. (ESV)

17 The Lord your God is in your midst,
a mighty one who will save;
he will rejoice over you with gladness;
he will quiet you by his love;
he will exult over you with loud singing. (ESV)

28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. (ESV)

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.

For we do not want you to be ignorant, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. 10 He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again. 11 You also must help us by prayer, so that many will give thanks on our behalf for the blessing granted us through the prayers of many. (ESV)

13 Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise. 14 Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. 15 And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. 16 Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. (ESV)

Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. (ESV)

Happy (Belated) Birthday

April 17, 2013

Several weeks ago, the counseling center completed its 16th year of ministry. It is wonderful to see how this ministry has been a fulfillment of a vision for ministry dating back to the church’s long-range plan in the early 1990s. It was envisioned that the counseling center would provide biblically-based counseling that is compatible with the beliefs of First Presbyterian Church and that uses Christian psychological principles and techniques. Further, it was envisioned that the ministry of the counseling center would be available to the church and the community at large. I am excited to say that this center has and continues to be part of this church’s care for its own members as well as an outreach to the community.

The counseling center has grown beyond what was initially envisioned, to meet a large need in our community. The following are some facts about the center:
• In 2012, the center provided nearly 10,600 sessions of counseling.
• 820 new individuals sought counseling services.
• Approximately 35% of the counseling sessions provided were for a reduced fee (we provided help to those with legitimate needs who otherwise would not be able to afford Christian counseling).
• The staff of the center totals 21. This includes 5 full-time counselors, 9 part-time counselors, 3 student interns, and 3 administrative personnel.
• The center is overseen by a board of directors which consists of 13 members form the congregation. They include: Craig Hess, David Taylor, Jim Newman, Macky Dunbar, Bill Neely, Mardi Smith, Dr. Frampton Henderson, Emma Forkner, Dr. Helen Laffitte, Holt Chetwood, Emily Luther, and Charlton Law, and David Lauten (ministerial representative).

While we have a wonderful staff of skilled counselors who provide biblically-based counseling to the church and the community at large, that only tells part of the story. The other part of the story is in the changed lives of those who seek help here. I am reminded of one such family that came to the counseling center a couple of years back. This Christian couple was separated for the second time in their marriage and headed for divorce. They and their two young adult children were devastated. The cause was his ongoing struggle with sexual addiction. They both began individual counseling and participated in our treatment program for sexual addiction. This was followed by marital counseling and they have continued to work in recovery since. God used the ministry of the counseling center, along with others in the body of Christ, to deliver this couple form bondage and to redeem them and their marriage.

While the counseling center is a ministry of the church, it is also your ministry. So many of your refer your friends and family for help in the midst of very difficult times in their lives. We do not take that confidence that you have in us lightly. We are truly blessed as a church to have such a resource. It is the prayer of the staff and board of the First Presbyterian Church Christian Counseling Center that we will continue to be used by God as an instrument of deliverance, transformation, and healing in the lives of many more over the years to come. Thank you for your ongoing support of this ministry.

Dr. Barbian

Dr. Tom Barbian, LPC

Executive Director View More Posts »
More about Dr. Barbian »

In my last article, “Anxiety: A Sign of the Times”, I discussed the difference between anxiety, fear, and worry. I also pointed out how anxiety can serve an adaptive function. Like pain, anxiety can alert us to danger and motivate us to take corrective action. When fear and anxiety function as God intended them to, they serve us well. When this is not the case, fear and anxiety can become pathological and lead to impairment in one’s life. Here I plan to look at how anxiety becomes disordered.

Anxiety is that “subjectively unpleasant feeling” that accompanies fear. Fear is said to be rational when it is related to a legitimate danger or threat. When the threat is imagined or exaggerated, the fear is considered to be irrational. So, pathological anxiety is anxiety that is greatly disproportionate to the threat and or continues even though the threat is gone. Allow me to illustrate with a couple of examples.

In Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) an individual was exposed to a danger that involved the threat of loss of life or serious injury. Once the person is removed from the danger and is safe, he continues to have recollections of the danger (flashbacks, nightmares, intrusive memories). These recollections produce a quite similar anxiety reaction to when the original threat was present. Treatment involves a cognitive processing of the traumatic memories and management of the intense anxiety.

Panic Disorder is another problem where one experiences intense anxiety that is out of proportion to any legitimate threat. It involves a malfunctioning of one’s “flight or fight mechanism.” The flight or fight mechanism exists in our brain to signal our body to take action when we encounter a threat. This action occurs in our central nervous system and is experienced as anxiety. The problem is that this mechanism doesn’t know the difference between real and imagined or exaggerated danger. Hence one is having an intense physiological and anxiety reaction that seems beyond his control. Treatment involves a de-conditioning process accompanied by anxiety management techniques and cognitive restructuring (changes in one’s thinking).

The above are just two of about ten different anxiety disorders that one could experience. All of them involve anxiety that is disproportionate to any threat. Anxiety disorders can come upon a person suddenly, with or without apparent cause. Other times, they build slowly over time and are the result of incorrect learning and negative experiences. Some individuals seem to have inherited a personality type that is generally more reactive and more prone to the development of an anxiety disorder. Also some individuals grow up in an environment that is unstable, dysfunctional, or chaotic which results in frequent threatening situations and the triggering of the flight or flight mechanism.

Regardless of the reasons one might develop excessive anxiety or an anxiety disorder, God is remarkable in how He works to redeem us. He has allowed us to develop certain therapy techniques along with some helpful medications that are very effective in helping those with anxiety disorders. Additionally, His word gives us truth to focus on when our thinking is in disarray. More importantly, the Holy Spirit is actively working to redeem what the sin in this world has defiled. If you or someone you know is suffering from anxiety, pursue help so that your life may be what God intended.

Dr. Barbian

Dr. Tom Barbian, LPC

Executive Director View More Posts »
More about Dr. Barbian »

One estimate is that over 35 million Americans suffer from an anxiety disorder. Some speculate that this is because we live in such stressful times; that many of us live in a constant state of being overwhelmed. Regardless of the causes, anxiety is a common problem that brings people to the counseling center.

It might be helpful to look at what anxiety is and what it is not. To being with, it is important to distinguish between several words that are often used interchangeably. Fear, worry, and anxiety are not the same thing. It will also be helpful to understand what is normal and when fear and anxiety become pathological.

Let us begin with fear. Fear is a cognitive process, while anxiety is an emotional one. Fear can be defined as “the cognitive appraisal of danger.” There exist in us certain fears that are inhibitors of behavior that deter us from dangerous activity. One such fear/inhibitor is called the “visual cliff reflex.” This response which, is seen children and often persists into adulthood, consists of physiological responses (dizziness and immobility) as one approaches the edge of a cliff. These God-given fears of actual danger serve to protect us.

Anxiety is the emotional experience that accompanies fear. It has been defined as “a subjectively unpleasant emotional state.” The emotion of anxiety is accompanied by physiological sensations such as rapid heartbeat, shortness of breath, sweating, muscle contractions, dizziness, and nausea among others. We experience anxiety on a range of levels from mild to severe and incapacitating. Anxiety can come upon us suddenly in response to an immediate threat, or it can build over time as we progressively encounter a threat.

Anxiety can be likened to pain. We experience an intense unpleasant emotion (anxiety) in response to a present danger and are hence motivated to take steps to reduce the danger and to prevent its reoccurrence. Anxiety (like pain) has a protective function as it can warn us to stop or take corrective action. It is possible to experience anxiety that is in response to a misperception or exaggerated danger. When this occurs, the anxiety becomes counterproductive and in worse cases pathological (more on this in a subsequent article).

I want to conclude by addressing the concept of worry. Worry (like fear) is a cognitive process. When we worry, we are involved in a thought process where we are excessively engaged in problem solving. Worry is future oriented. We are in some manner trying to understand, figure out, or know what will happen. Often in worry, we are trying to know something that cannot be known at the present time. Worry, a cognitive process, is accompanied by the emotion of anxiety. It is important to differentiate between the two. To stop feeling the anxiety when we are engaged in the worry thought process doesn’t work. We must stop the worry first (more on that later) for the anxiety to subside. The scripture passages that tell us “to be anxious for nothing” are in fact addressing worry.

In subsequent articles I will look at how anxiety becomes disordered and what can be done about worry.

Dr. Barbian

Dr. Tom Barbian, LPC

Executive Director View More Posts »
More about Dr. Barbian »

Living with a difficult person can be really difficult. Often our focus is to avoid or endure that person. The truth is that when I live engaged in a healthy way with that person, I am actually loving that person and in some ways helping him.
In my previous post I looked at a couple of strategies for dealing with difficult people. Engaging in a love that keeps no record of wrongs, seeing my faults as much as those of the other, and learning to set appropriate boundaries with another person are all helpful strategies. Good communication about issues as opposed to conflict avoidance can actually improve the relationship.
The bible suggests another strategy for difficult people. It is the idea of “covering over an offense.” The apostle Peter suggests that we love others “deeply because love covers over a multitude of sins” (). The writer of Proverbs suggests that love covers over wrongs (10:12) and that when we cover over an offense, love is actually encouraged in the other (17:9). Covering over also keeps us from repeating the matter to others thereby causing strain in other relationships. This idea of “covering over” seems to indicate a willingness to forgive again and again. It also implies that we not dwell on the offense, but that we surrender it. We are talking about grace.
Covering over also suggests that we see a person as better than they deserve to be seen. This kind of love refuses to focus only on another’s faults, but in humility considers others as “better than yourself” (). Scripture is not suggesting that we tolerate abusive or sinful behavior. Instead, our goal ought to be reconciliation and harmony in relationships whenever possible.
To some, all of this may sound unrealistic; for it is certainly not the way of the world. Yet if this is the way that God sees us, we ought to strive to do no less. Because of His love for us and Christ’s sacrifice for us, He sees us and treats us better than we deserve. He focuses on His deep love for us not on a record of our wrongs. Let us ask God to give us the grace to love those difficult people in our lives, and to keep no record of wrongs.

Dr. Barbian

Dr. Tom Barbian, LPC

Executive Director View More Posts »
More about Dr. Barbian »

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. (ESV)

Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. (ESV)

“He is so difficult; I don’t know how you live with him.” I overheard two people talking the other day and this was the question the first asked the second one. I waited for a moment to see what the answer would be. I could sense the despair as the second answered; “I don’t know. I will let you know when I do.” I was tempted to interject, but in the end I minded my own business as they carried on their conversation.
How do I live with a difficult person? Many of us have asked this question. We all have had to live with a difficult person at one time or another. The difficult person in your life could be a spouse, a parent, a child, a sibling, a boss, or a co-worker. Difficult people try our patience and can be hard to live with much less to love. To live with a difficult person I need to learn to love that person. The description of love found in seems necessary. It states that love “is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” It is easy to become angry with a difficult person. When someone wrongs us frequently, we tend to keep a record of those wrongs. How then can I learn to love a difficult person?
First of all, we must recognize our own weaknesses and that except for God’s grace in our lives, we would be much worse off than we are. Jesus suggested that we recognize and remove our own defects (the plank in my eye) before focusing on those of another (the speck in the other’s eye) (). In focusing on our own “wrongs”, we may find ourselves less inclined to keep a record of the wrongs of another.
Secondly, we can often reduce the number of offenses toward us by communicating clearly with that difficult person. Sometimes people are not aware of how they come across and we could do them a favor by letting them know. It can also be helpful to set appropriate boundaries, letting the person know what we are willing to do or not do; to put up with or not put up with. Sometimes living with a difficult person requires being willing to enforcing consequences when necessary. All of this must be done in love, with the other’s best interests in mind. We can end up being offended by others and share some of the responsibility for it because we have not clearly communicated what was expected from them.
Another way to live with a difficult person is to learn how “overlook an offense” (). For a discussion of this see my next blog post in this series.

Dr. Barbian

Dr. Tom Barbian, LPC

Executive Director View More Posts »
More about Dr. Barbian »

or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; (ESV)

Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye. (ESV)

11 Good sense makes one slow to anger,
and it is his glory to overlook an offense. (ESV)

We have all heard it said; “That was the straw that broke the camel’s back.” We understand it to refer to a person who has reached his limit, his breaking point, and is now overwhelmed. Think about it; which straw broke the camel’s back? Our first inclination is to say the last one. The idea is that the person was doing fine until that last stressor (something that causes stress) was added. Often the reality is that the last stressor was really no different or severe than the many which preceded it. It just exceeded that person’s stress tolerance ability. Cumulative stress is much more of a problem than most single stressors.

This phenomenon often causes confusion. “Why did I have such a reaction to something so small?” All of us have a stress tolerance capacity, and when we exceed it, we are vulnerable to being overwhelmed or to a break down in functioning. Many people operate at near capacity levels of stress, so it takes little to push them over the edge. Good stress management and maintaining “margin” in one’s life is essential for good mental and relational health.

Stress is with us all the time. It comes from mental, emotional, and/or physical activity. Certain amounts of stress in life are necessary. Stress is a motivator to take action and serves to make life interesting and exciting, providing us with necessary challenges. Stress is physiological arousal and is experienced in your body. Learning to recognize the signs of stress (muscle tension, headaches, stomach discomfort, excessive perspiration, chest pain, and feeling “keyed up” or on edge) can alert you to the need to practice stress management. Let me suggest some helpful strategies for stress management.

Physical activity and exercise. Both are proven ways to reduce stress. They act upon the hormonal aspect of stress. Stress prepares your body for action. Physical activity expends that readiness. If you are too busy for exercise, you are vulnerable to the negative effects of stress.

Take care of yourself. Learning to rest and eat well is important, as is eliminating bad habits. It is also important to understand the thoughts and attitudes behind your poor self-care. Learn to relax. Even a few appropriately timed deep breaths can reduce stress several notches.

Know your limits. Learn to accept what is within your control and what is not. Have realistic expectations and know that you cannot be all things to all people. Practice living within healthy limits. At the same time, getting out of your self and involving yourself in the lives of others can also be stress relieving. Balance is obviously the key here, as either extreme is unhealthy.

Practice good mental health. Grieve your losses as opposed to denying or suppressing them. Talk about your stress with others who may be able to help. Sometimes a different perspective can be very helpful. Learn to manage frustration and anger, two emotions that increase stress.

Practice good spiritual health. Learn to forgive. Unforgiveness and resentment are very stressful emotions. Meditating on scripture can be very effective in reducing stress. Learn to surrender to God what is beyond your control. Trust in God’s sovereignty.

Seek help when necessary. Don’t let embarrassment or pride prevent you from getting help when a situation in your life is small. Ignoring it often makes it worse. When there are too many straws on your back, let someone help you carry the load.

Dr. Barbian

Dr. Tom Barbian, LPC

Executive Director View More Posts »
More about Dr. Barbian »